ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
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Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.