Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
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I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
anyone else like Italian cereal
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does