Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
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Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.