I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
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Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
no one likes gloating
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
My last name is Zilla.