Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
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contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
scrabbled eggs
The cake is mightier than the sword.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Still laughing at this stupid meme