I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
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Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
giddy up Office Depot
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.