5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
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Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
me hitting on a model
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers