Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
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I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
The Others (2001)
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
The government even made aliens boring