Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
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I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi