Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
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A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
oh my god
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
no!! no!!!!!!
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”