People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
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just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
What a website
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.