literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
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Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
🐕🍷
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.