Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
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Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Ha
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.