If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
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A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Them: You should try keto
Me:
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.