#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
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I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!