I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
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My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Meow
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.