Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
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Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place