Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Raisins are grape jerky.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD