It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
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My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child