Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
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5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.