my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
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Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Same post same
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.