*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
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The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.