I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.