*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
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Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
found this cool rock hiking today
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.