(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
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When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re