doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
You Might Also Like
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared