*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
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Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Found the job I’m suited for
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
DOOO EEEET
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less