When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
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Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.