“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
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[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.