If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
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Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
my favorite genre of twitter
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
The internet is full of many things
😂💯
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.