Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
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Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes