After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
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[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy