Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
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i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
technically true but not a great slogan
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman