the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
You Might Also Like
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
cry laughing at this shit
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish