At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
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MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺