No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
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Hank is one in a melon.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Nomnomnomnom
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now