You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
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So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.