Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
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Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
This January has 47 Mondays
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
jesus, what did this guy do
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴