I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
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[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
My current situation
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍