Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
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An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
The Sun
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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