They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
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Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Alexa: *deep breath*
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D