shut up and take my money
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If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand