You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
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“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.