ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
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I can fix him.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
A fake ID that makes you younger
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke