her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
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do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?