Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
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Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?