A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
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Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Wednesday
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft