As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
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BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.