The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
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My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond