I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
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ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Yet the one time I did, I got banned